


two birds on a wire

by mikeywaters



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Boys In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and i wrote it with that in mind so, and some that i added myself, dead poets society but make it gay, i couldnt make myself write neil dying, its not really mentioned but its implied, kind of a fix it fic but the ending is Very ambiguous, mostly just the neil and todd scenes but gayer, neil is autistic, oh my god they were roommates, theyre both gay i dont make the rules, todd has adhd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27889264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeywaters/pseuds/mikeywaters
Summary: neil and todd's relationship while at welton
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	two birds on a wire

Todd was writing when Neil charged into the room, well,  _ trying _ to write. He was surrounded by crumpled balls of paper; failed attempts at making his feelings beautiful and poetic instead of pitiful mindless pining over what could never be. 

He quickly flipped his notepad over as he heard the door open, terrified of anyone reading his writing and getting a look at the inner workings of his mind. 

Todd quickly forgot about his panic though, as the subject of all of his writing as of late practically skipped over to him while giggling to himself, crouching in front of Todd with a grin on his face, one that showed his slightly crooked teeth and crinkled his eyes. Seeing Neil so truly joyful made Todd think of what a travesty it was that this boy could ever experience any feeling less than  _ this _ . 

Neil dropped a sheet of paper in Todd's lap excitedly. “I found it!” He exhaled as though he had been holding his breath.

“You found what?” Todd asked, feeling himself start to grin as well. Neil's joy was contagious, making Todd feel at ease in a way only Neil could.

“What I wanna do, right now! What's really,  _ really _ inside of me!” Neil exclaimed, clenching his fists as if he were trying to capture the elation he was feeling at that very moment to bottle and store for later.

“ _ ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ _ ?” Todd questioned skeptically, looking down at the paper his friend had shoved towards him.

“This is it.”

“What is this?”

“It's a play, dummy.” Neil chuckled at Todd’s confusion.

“I know that. I-- Wh-Wh-What does it have to do with you?” Todd asked, struggling to catch up with Neil’s excited rambling.

Neil took a breath before speaking, finally taking a moment to organise his thoughts in his head so he would be able to explain his plan to Todd.

“Right. They're putting it on at Henley Hall. Open tryouts. Open tryouts!” Neil hissed.

“Yeah, so?” 

“So…” Neil hit Todd’s mattress rapidly in a moment of pure excitement before jumping to his feet, turning back to face Todd dramatically. “I'm gonna act.”

Todd’s smile, both at his friends joy and how ridiculous he could be sometimes, only seemed to spur Neil on.

“Yes!” He exclaimed, pulling the blanket from his bed and wrapping it around himself like a cape before jumping onto his creaky old bed. “Yes! I'm gonna be an actor! Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year, but, of course, my father wouldn't let me. For the first time in my whole life I know what I wanna do.”

Neil jumped off his head, stepping back over to Todd to reach down and grab a handful of papers off of Todd’s bed, tossing them into the air. Todd only rolled his eyes fondly at his friend's antics, attempting lamely to collect the papers Neil threw.

“And for the first time I'm gonna do it whether my father wants me to or not! Carpe diem!” Neil shouted excitedly, jumping onto Todd’s bed now.

“Neil, Neil, hold on a minute. How are you gonna be in a play if your father won't let you?” Todd prompted gently, ever the overthinker he was already seeing ten different future outcomes where Neil gets himself into  _ serious _ trouble. Todd knew that Neil wasn't thinking rationally at the moment and he needed Todd to remind him to be smart about this, but that didn't stop the guilt that settled in his stomach as a result of seeing Neil's smile drop slightly as if he was remembering at that moment that he may never be free. 

“First I gotta get the part, then I can worry about that.” Neil shrugged off Todd's comment as he jumped off of said boy's bed.

“Yeah, but won't he kill you if he finds out you went to an audition and didn't even tell him?” 

“No, no, no, no. As far as I'm concerned, he won't have to know about any of this.” Neil was quick to say, clearly already thinking of ways to hide this from his father.

“Well, that's impossible.” Todd frowned.

“Bullshit! Nothing's impossible.” Neil spoke desperately, the joy was visibly draining from his body and although Todd hated himself for being the cause of that he  _ needed _ Neil to be smart about this. He was plagued by the fear that something bad might happen to Neil if he were to go through with this.

“Well, why don't you just call him and ask him? And m-maybe he'll say yes!” Todd suggested optimistically. 

“That's a laugh!” Neil scoffed defeatedly, shoving the blanket off his shoulders and throwing it behind him onto his bed, not checking to see where it landed. “If I don't ask him, at least I won't be disobeying him.”

“Yeah, but if he said-” Todd sat forward on the bed, trying desperately for Neil to hear him out.

“Jesus, Todd! Whose side are you on?” Neil shouted before immediately deflating after seeing Todd's reaction. The boy said nothing, only looked up at Neil with startled, guilty eyes, frozen to his spot as if he never expected Neil would yell at him.

Neil stared back, looking like he wanted to apologize before sighing in defeat, taking the flier from Todd’s hands and walking over to the window to sit on the radiator. “I mean, I haven't even gotten the part yet. Can't I even enjoy the idea for a little while?”

Todd once again said nothing, sitting back on the bed and returning to his poem. 

Todd wasn't purposely ignoring him, he wasn't even truly upset with Neil for raising his voice at him, he simply didn't know what to say. When Neil got his mind on something it was next to impossible to change it, his passion was an impenetrable force and Todd felt as though there were no words he could supply to change Neil's mind. Truthfully he wasn't sure if he wanted to. He never wanted to stop Neil from doing something that made him happy, he only wished he could do so without putting himself in danger.

“You're coming to the meeting this afternoon?” Neil asked after a beat of silence.

“I don't know. Maybe.” Todd shrugged, glad for the topic change.

“Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means shit to you, does it, Todd?” Neil questioned in an accusatory tone, sitting forward on the radiator as if an attempt to get closer to Todd. 

“W-What is that supposed to mean?” Todd asked in disbelief, confused as to how the conversation turned into this.

“You're in the club! Being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool!” Neil exclaimed, abandoning his seat to stand over Todd.

“So- You want me out?” Todd asked, hurt by his friends words.

“No! I want you in, but being in means you gotta do something. Not just say you're in.” Neil sighed out in frustration.

“Well, listen, Neil. I-I appreciate this concern, but I-I'm not like you. All right? You, you, you say thing and people listen. I'm, I'm not like that.” Todd stuttered pitifully, feeling his face get hot from shame.

“Don't you think you could be?” Neil asked hopefully.

“No! I--I, I don't know, but that's not the point. The, the, the point is that there's nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. All right?” Todd spoke defensively in an attempt to put an end to Neil's persistent need for Todd to see in himself whatever Neil saw in him.

“No.” Neil replied simply, furrowing his brow as if offended by the assumption that he would give up on Todd.

“What do you mean, "no"?” Todd asked, confused.

A fond smile crept its way onto Neil's face, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “No.” He repeated.

Suddenly and without warning Neil lurched forward and grabbed Todd’s notebook that had been forgotten in his lap, sprinting across the room with it, climbing across the beds to get away from Todd who had leapt up and was trying his very best to get the notebook back from Neil before he could read what he had written. “Give me-- Neil. Neil, give that back!”

“'I've been dreaming of a-’ Poetry! I'm being chased by Walt Whitman!” Neil teased, laughing as Todd grasped at Neil before tripping into him and nearly pushing the both of them into the wall.

“Okay! Okay.” Neil giggled, flinging the notebook across the room onto Todd’s bed. 

Todd immediately followed after it, collecting the loose pages and storing said notebook in his bedside drawer under several of his books. Both boys still giggling to themselves, hearts beating fast from the adrenaline of chasing each other through the small dorm room.

Neil collapsed onto his own bed, hands behind his head as he grinned to himself. “Hey Todd?” 

Todd looked up at the other boy, trying to ignore the way his heart fluttered at the sight of Neil's teasing smirk. “Yeah?” 

“Who else do you know with ‘tragically beautiful brown eyes?’”  
  


-

It was a Sunday afternoon when Neil woke Todd up from his slumber by shaking him lightly, repeating his name.

Todd was wrenched from his dream that involved crooked smiles and reddened cheeks, knowing looks exchanged in dark caves, to Neil's face hovering above his own. A teasing grin lit up his face as he noticed Todd had woken up, hands trailing down to tickle his friend's sides.

“Neil!” Todd yelped, giggling as he swatted the boy's hands away, covering himself protectively with his blanket.

Neil just laughed, pulling himself up onto Todd’s bed, practically bouncing with excitement as he sat cross-legged on the bed. He'd been like this since last night when he'd come back from Henley Hall with the news he had been cast as Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream. 

“Come on, Todd! It's such a nice day, won’t you come with me to run lines?” Neil pleaded, his eyes so wide and bright Todd feared he might fall into them and never be saved.

“Oh Neil, I-I don't know. I wouldn't be any good I-I-I'm not an actor-”

“So what? You don't have to be an actor to run lines, Todd. Just come with me, please? We'll walk to the dock!” Neil was practically begging now, holding onto Todd’s arm as if he were considering pulling him out of bed and out the door himself if he were to refuse. As fearful as Todd was of the idea of running lines with Neil when he could barely form a coherent sentence half the time, he felt a smile tug at his lips.

Neil noticed this immediately, somehow an expert at reading Todd’s thoughts and emotions, and broke out into a grin, knowing he'd already won. 

“F-Fine but you can't laugh at me! I'm going to be terrible.” Todd groaned, Neil let out an excited yelp and drummed his hands against his thighs excitedly before rushing to get his coat and scripts.

Todd rolled his eyes fondly, and got up to do the same.  
  


-

Neil was returning from a rehearsal one night, holding the scene notes for the play in his hand when he saw Todd. He was sitting to the side of the many walkways that surrounded Welton. Neil’s heart sank as he noticed the sad, far away look etched onto the boy's face. “Todd? Hey.”

“Hey.” Todd replied simply, as if he'd been waiting for Neil to find him.

“What's going on?” Neil prompted gently, desperate to know the reason behind the boy's sadness so he could take it away somehow, fix it.

“Nothing. Today's my birthday.” 

Neil gaped, feeling guilty for being unaware of his friend's birthday. He knew logically he hadn't known and that was probably how Todd wanted it, he couldn't imagine Todd loving the extra attention and fuss that birthday’s usually brought with them, but it still made Neil incredibly sad to think of Todd alone in the dorm today on his  _ birthday _ . “It’s your birthday? Happy birthday.” He replied lamely.

“Thanks.” Todd smiled, it didn't quite reach his eyes.

“What'd you get?” Neil asked, gesturing to an oddly familiar shaped object still half wrapped in paper that was placed next to Todd.

“My parents gave me this.” Todd responded simply. 

Neil looked down at a deskset sitting next to Todd, still in its wrappings and felt the smile drop from his face unconsciously. 

“Isn't this the same desk set-” 

“Yeah, yeah. They gave me the same thing as last year.” Todd interrupted quickly, breathing out a laugh as if forcing himself to find the situation funny.

“Oh. Maybe they thought you needed another one.” Neil tried to joke, a desperate attempt to get Todd to smile, and it worked. For a moment he laughed, albeit pathetically. 

“Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all.” He replied. Neil felt equally sad and angry for Todd, wanting to reach out and hug him and in the next moment shake his parents to make them see how incredible Todd was and how careless they were to such a  _ wonderful _ boy. Neil didn't get it.

“Uh, the funny thing is about this is I, I didn't even like it the first time.” Todd said after a beat of silence, the two boys shared a pitiful laugh.

“Todd, I think you're underestimating the value of this desk set.” Neil spoke suddenly, picking up the desk set and pretending to examine it more closely as if the same deskset wasn't already on the desk in their shared dorm. Todd watched on, confused but still smiling up at Neil.

“I mean, who would want a football or a baseball, or-” Neil continued before Todd caught on and joined him. “Or a car.”

“Or a car if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one? I mean, if, if I were ever going to buy a, a desk set twice, I would probably buy this one… both times.” Neil teased, heart feeling ten times lighter as Todd began to laugh, genuinely this time.

An idea struck Neil that he prayed Todd would be on board with. “In fact, its, its shape is, it's rather aerodynamic, isn't it? I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly.” 

Neil mimed throwing the desk set over the edge of the building, a smirk on his face that was especially mischievous. Todd slowly rose to stand next to him, smiling almost in disbelief. 

“Todd? The world's first unmanned flying desk set.” Neil nodded, handing the cheap supplies over to his friend. 

Todd barely hesitated before rearing back and throwing the desk set over the edge of the building as hard as he could muster, the boys laughing as it promptly fell apart, pieces clunking against the pavement as the papers flew up into the air.

“Oh, my!” Todd exclaimed gleefully, looking back at Neil fondly, pausing as if to commit this memory to his mind where it would stay to look back on as Todd’s favourite birthday.

“Well, I wouldn't worry. You'll get another one next year.” Neil had grinned, wrapping his arm around Todd’s shoulders and holding him close, ushering the smiling boy in the direction of their shared dorm room.  
  
  


-

  
  


Todd had excused himself from dinner early when Neil had never come down and joined his friends like he said he would when he had passed the group of boys on his way back from play rehearsal. He couldn't push away the sinking feeling in his stomach that something was seriously  _ wrong _ . 

When he entered the dorm it was Neil’s vacant stare that told him he had unfortunately been right to worry. He was sitting on his bed, running the palms of his hands against his trousers repetitively as if desperately trying to straighten out invisible creases, but his mind was far away. 

He didn't even notice Todd was in the room until he spoke. “Neil? What's wrong?” 

Neil chuckled humourlessly, “My father found out about the play.” 

Todd's stomach sank, it felt like his worst fears were coming true.

“W-what… What did he say?” Todd asked after a brief period of silence between the two of them, he was unsure of the right thing to say to help Neil through this.

“That he didn't care if the world ended tomorrow, I will not be performing in the play.” Neil spoke as if repeating it only deepened the wound his father had clearly left on his heart, clenching his fists where they rested on his thighs. 

“Oh… Neil I-” 

“Well go ahead Todd, say it. You were right! He found out and now everything is a mess.” Neil raised his voice, the anger from the conversation with his father leeching its way into his interaction with Todd, only serving to make him feel more rotten inside.

“I wasn't- Neil I w-wouldn't say that to you. I just wish… I-I wish I was here, maybe I could ha-” Todd began to speak before Neil abruptly stood up, now face to face with Todd. The most alarming thing about the interaction though, Todd noted, that from this close he could tell Neil hadn't cried. 

“Could have what? Stood up to him? That's a laugh, Todd. You can't even talk to your friends half the time.” He spit venomously, nearly immediately softening when Todd flinched slightly at the inflection of his words, as if he'd been burned.

“Besides, you think I didn't try? I can't- There's no arguing with my father Todd. He'll never truly listen to me.” Neil deflated, tears brimming in his eyes. The floodgates had opened.

“I'm trapped Todd I’m- I'm  _ trapped _ ” He sobbed, collapsing back onto his bed, Todd followed instinctively, wrapping his arms around the boy like it was the most natural thing in the world. Neil melted into the touch, clinging to Todd as if he'd be taken away somehow as his body wracked with sobs.

“You're not trapped Neil you just- You just have to show him what this means to you. Neil when you even  _ talk _ about acting that’s- That's the most p-passion I've ever seen in my life. I don't think I've ever felt that strongly about  _ anything. _ ” Todd spoke decidedly, ignoring the clawing feeling in the back of his mind, a voice saying  _ Yes you have. You know you have. He's sitting right in front of you. _

“Todd, he'd kill me! You- You were the one telling me what an awful idea it was and you were right I was being foolish I-I-” Neil rambled, the tears still streaming down his face, staining Todd's sweater.

“I wasn't saying that because I thought it wasn't worth it or you were being foolish I- I was  _ scared _ . Neil the only time I've ever seen you  _ really  _ scared is when you're around your father. I was scared he'd f-find out and he'd hurt you or t-take you away and I-” Todd paused in his speech as Neil met his eyes, the two boys still holding onto each other like lifelines.

“I was scared to lose you, Neil.” Todd practically whispered. 

There was a moment where they stared into each other's eyes, Neil's face resting in an expression Todd had only seen once before, after he improvised the poem in Keating’s class. Then, slowly, Neil took Todd's face in his hands. Before his mind could take a hold and fill him with anxiety and doubt, before he could process what Neil was about to do, he had already pressed their lips together. 

They both froze for a moment, like neither was sure if this were actually happening or something their mind had concocted. A second later though, and they were kissing as though they each held the last oxygen on the earth in each other's lungs, hands tangled in hair and clinging to the backs of necks.

When they broke apart they stared at each other for a few moments as they both wept, Neil smiled fondly, almost sadly, stroking Todd’s cheek with his thumb and staring at his face like he was trying to memorize every detail. Todd smiled sheepishly back at him, cheeks tinged pink yet still unable to look away from the other boy's eyes. 

Todd felt like he should be panicking, he should be freaking out and pleading for answers about what this meant for their friendship, what he was supposed to do now that his fears about being incredibly nervous and fluttery around boys but never feeling like that with girls had become something he could no longer  _ ignore _ . Instead, for just this moment, Todd felt at peace. 

Because somehow, once again, Neil had known exactly what Todd needed. Maybe because it was something he needed too. 

He felt himself wishing that it could always be like this, that he'd never have to let go of Neil. 

“I'm still… I'm still scared Neil, I don't want anything bad to happen to you but- but acting makes you so  _ happy _ . Maybe if your father saw that… maybe he'd understand.” Todd finished his speech weakly. Neil just exhaled shakily, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Maybe, Todd.” 

They didn't speak much after that. Each boy went along their night time routine before shuffling into their respective beds. They both stared at the ceiling in the dark, Neil with tears streaming down his face and Todd fearfully noting to himself that this felt a lot like a goodbye.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> FOR MY FRIENDS WHO I MADE WATCH DPS AND NOW HAVE TO SUFFER WITH ME<33


End file.
